Part 2: His Omniscience vs My Panic

I finally followed Gwyneth Paltrow’s recommendation and learned a language in my time in quarantine. I now speak whale fluently. Before you laugh, guess who is now sunning themselves topside on an obliging whale, absorbing all I can of the liquid hope pouring out of the sun? I am either drunk with power or serotonin, but this girl right here— no longer traveling in a pile of fish guts! At least for the next few hours…

In this rare break in the clouds I am contemplating the grounding words of Joyce Meyer — “His peace is a spiritual peace, and his rest in one that operates in the midst of the storm—not in its absence. Jesus did not come to remove all opposition from our lives, but rather to give us a different approach to the storms of life.” (Battlefield of the Mind pg.127). My goal is to praise Him in this storm—to focus on His greatness over the pull of the pandemic and its tilt toward pandemonium.

As someone who has panic attacks when things are normal, this goal is especially challenging. Wrangling my anxiety in the midst of all this has been epic in the vein of Ahab and his white whale. I am not a fan of this changing-every-minute landscape of quarantine.

I am a huge advocate, fueled by personal experience, of those who suffer from anxiety and depression having a web of support in place. This pandemic was a catalyst for some of those support systems falling away and being reduced for me, with good reason. Simply put there are far greater needs out there now. There are people on the front lines who need constant prayer, support, and attention from the people who are blessed like me to be able to stay home. With my last breath I will give what I can to help, but in the same breath I need to show myself grace. I cannot keep pouring out without being refilled. As I seek to fill the gaps, I have come to realize that counseling just might be my toilet paper. Instead of empty shelves I am facing empty offices and call services and I need God to calm the panic-buy instinct.

So I have decided that God gets my vote again for best buddy during this quarantine. Reason #2: Omniscience. God being all-knowing is especially comforting to this daughter of His who is constantly scrambling to fix, fill in the blanks, and get ahead of the next doomsday scenario.

When I think of the word “know” I remember learning to choose between “Saber” (knowing information) and “Conocer” (knowing people, places, and things) in Spanish I. For the first time I had to think about the types and levels of knowledge to be able to apply the correct term. My first year teaching I had a student from Puerto Rico who only spoke Spanish. While I was at one point close to fluency, I had not spoken the language in a while. Luckily I had a Spanish teacher who helped us think out of the box and talk around any words we couldn’t recall. So when this child was taking pencils and trying to poke people with them, I said “Pone la lápiz en la casa de lápices.” Which roughly means “Put the pencil in the house of pencils.” It was all I had, but it got the job done. While the rest of my beloved bilingual students who spoke fluent Spanish were doubled over in laughter, he smiled and put the pencil away. My knowledge of Spanish at that point was more on the acquaintance level, but I had enough to get by. 

God’s knowledge does not know any boundaries. His Knowledge does not fade with time. There is no other being that knows to the level with which He KNOWS. He knows information and He knows His creation. He knows every detail of this virus that is circling the globe leaving destruction in its wake. He knows the effects it will have not just on people’s physical health, but their emotional health as well. He hears our thoughts from afar and knows the perfect words of comfort to whisper to us. He is fluent in the language of our minds.

God knows me. He knew me before He even formed me, so He was there at all the major turning points. He was the one who introduced me to the concept of help. I was at a point where I was completely self-sufficient and thought as a good Christian ALL I needed was God (the one I had safely contained in a tiny box with a lid). I consulted my bible and prayed and stayed within the confines of my own brain, trying dutifully to solve all my own problems with no input from the outside world. It worked for a minute.

I drove that car with four flat tires until I bent the rims. The engine light came on and I ignored it and I drove that car into the ground. Then God was able to get my attention. He revealed the truth I had been ignoring. He wants us in community. He wants me reaching out to others, exposing my faults, letting people in. And he knew I would overcorrect, as I often do.

So He put a hidden switch in me the moment I reached out for professional counseling. He reminded me that He was the one providing the help. So when pastors moved away, changed jobs, when therapists ended up not being a good match, the transitions were much smoother because God was who I was standing on, as firm as this whale beneath me. It was not perfect. Like everyone I need to remind myself of the gospel message and truth on a daily basis, but it made major shifts that normally would cause upheaval much easier to manage.

God has always filled the gaps for me. Always. I am forever grateful to Him for that. He never fails me. Even when my faith takes a nosedive, He is always faithful to me. When I am having a panic attack that makes no sense based on my circumstances, He knows me and knows what will reach me and calm me in that moment. As Psalm 46 says, He is my refuge, strength, and help in times of trouble, even if the earth gives way and falls into the heart of the sea…or if we are in the middle of a pandemic.

After almost a month of being cooped up and exhausted from keeping worry at bay, my husband, son, and I escaped on a rare car drive. It was dark and dreary and edging toward the kind of day that would inspire Edgar Allen Poe to write. Most people would call it depressing, but again, God knows me and fluently speaks the language of Tara. It was as if God accepted the challenge to show how beautiful gray could be. We drove along Greenwood Lake Turnpike in solitude and at points it looked like we were driving straight across a glass lake. The gray sky turned the water the color of slate and a heron, one of my favorite birds, flew straight toward us. His wingspan was so big it looked like two sheets being firmly shaken out on either side of him as he flew, the blue-gray feathers blending into the mist with each wingbeat. God smudged and blended the color of the sky over the light blues and greens of the heron and the trees, making a delicate gray scrim. There was another heron sitting tall and thin on a raised branch, taking advantage of the unique camouflage opportunity to gain a better fishing position. “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them…” (Matthew 6:26) God was speaking directly to me, with full knowledge of what stirs and quiets my heart.

He works circumstances for good for me (and all those who love Him.) Don’t get me wrong, it is still really HARD, but it is always moving toward good. Like the princess in The Princess and the Goblin, I choose to pick myself up from that fetal position of panic and follow the thread through the pile of rubble that seems to helplessly block my path. I do my quiet time and when I don’t feel a connection with God I will play my guitar and listen to praise music and reach out for prayer anyway. Pulling each rock aside one after the other takes focused effort. It is me who decides, but the Holy Spirit that lifts the weight. Rock by rock I move forward with faith that the thread of God’s will for my life continues on the other side. He will provide everything I need, including any necessary counseling, even as the pandemic rears its ugly head. 

Lord, thank You that no matter what happens, we are all under the watchful care of our All-Knowing, Loving Father who, according to Psalm 121, never slumbers or sleeps. There is a lot that I don’t know and can’t see right now with this whole COVID-19 situation. I do know that when doctors and political leaders scratch their heads, I don’t have to worry because You Know. When I try to over-predict and over-plan, I can release control knowing You go ahead of me. As I wait for Your provision in Your timing, help me to trust Your Knowing when I don’t know and Your Sight when I cannot see. Thank You for strengthening my faith muscles with each rock I lift and for never giving up on me. You know my mind. Please chisel away at any panic to reveal the peace You have already given me. Amen.

“And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope.” (Romans 5:2-4)